Rating: PG13 (reference to drug use)

Disclaimer: The Tour of Duty characters and situations do not belong to me, I just love to play in their sandbox.

Summary: Danny speaks with Doc after Thanksgiving Dinner. Missing moment from the episode: Thanks for the Memories

I’d like to dedicate this one to Doc. She said she was waiting for this one so, here you are dear one. Enjoy.

Doc lay wide awake, staring up at the shadowed rafters of the hootch, his mind chasing itself in endless circles as he listened to his buddies sleeping around him.

This was the time he found himself awake most often, in the darkest part of the night. That time between midnight and 2 a.m., when one’s dreams might actually be one’s nightmares. When you woke up and realized where you were, when you realized you were still trapped in the nightmare.

The nightmare of Vietnam.

Doc rolled to his side to reach for his cigarettes and found himself staring at the empty bed next to him. With a glance at the screen door, he sighed and pulled on his pants. Barefoot, he walked over to the door and stood, looking out at the silent, dark camp.

He could see something in the shadows just past the camp lights.

"How’s it goin’, Danny?" Doc’s voice was soft as he quietly opened the screen door, and then eased it just as quietly shut behind him after slipping out onto the hootch steps.

Percell didn’t even look up from the step he was sitting on.

Okay, so he and Goldman didn’t hold a monopoly on restless nights and regrets. But still…

Doc lit up, shoving his cigarettes into his pants pocket before sitting down on the next step below Danny. He leaned back on his elbows, watching the smoke rise lazily in the thick air.

The two men let the silence encircle them. Danny was watching the camp, and Doc was watching Danny in his own odd way.

Doc looked at the cigarette in his hand. "It’s not that, Danny. It was never that."

"I sat in front of him! You saw how he looked at me!" Danny climbed to his feet, suddenly all nervous energy. Shoving a hand through his recently shorn hair, he pushed past Doc. His eyes were brilliant in the shadows created by the camp’s lights.

"It’s not that simple, Danny. You know the L-T..." Doc hesitated, wondering if the truth was a good thing- especially in this case. Danny was barely dried out, and barely on stable ground. More guilt wasn’t going to help. But having his friend confused as to his place with Goldman wasn’t going to help either.

"Yeah, I do know him. We shipped into Ladybird together, remember, Doc?" Danny was all edges now, hands twisting for something to do as he shifted and paced in front of Doc. "An’ he has little use for screw-ups!"

"Danny- stop this! That’s not it!" Doc tossed his cigarette aside, climbing to his feet and reaching for Percell. But the other man jerked away from him. "Danny, he’s not upset with you- he’s upset with himself!"

"Bullshit!" Percell came at Doc, who froze and stood still in the face of Danny’s desperation. "I saw the disappointment in his eyes! He hates me- hates being around me! Hell, like I can blame him." Danny twisted away, rolling his head back on his shoulders, wrapping his arms around himself. "He wouldn’t even look at me through most of dinner."

Doc stepped back, taking a deep breath. "He doesn’t hate you, Danny." Doc stepped around his friend, who now had his head down and broad shoulders slumped. "It’s not that at all."

"Then what is it, Doc- why don’t you tell me since you seem to know all the answers here when it comes to the L-T these days."

Doc tried not to flinch at the sarcasm in the other man’s voice. "Danny, it’s not you- it’s him." Doc chewed his lip for a moment, unsure. "He thinks- he feels he let YOU down. He hates himself for not being able to help you. He doesn’t hate you, Danny, he regrets that he almost lost you. He’s afraid he still might have."

Percell looked up with eyes large and bright. "You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about." Shaking his head, Danny pushed Doc none too gently out of his way before walking the short distance back to the steps. "He stopped carin’ about everything when Miss Devlin died."

"You know, for someone who's been with the L-T as long as you have, you sure as hell don’t give him much consideration." Doc shoved his hands into his pockets, but made no move to approach Danny.

"Oh, that’s special comin’ from you, Hockenbury. Like the two of you have spoken more than four words to each other since you got here." Danny wasn’t looking at him. He had one foot on the bottom step, leaning heavily on that knee with his head down. "What do you really know about the L-T anyway?"

Doc glanced across the darkened camp, silent, and thoughtful.

"He has lots of regrets about what happened an’ that he let it happen. He’s afraid, Danny."

"Jesus, Doc, just leave it off."

"He’s afraid because he cares, he’s afraid that if he cares an’ somethin’ happens to you or to any of us, that he won’t be able to hold on to what’s left of himself. He cares, Danny. He cares so much it’s cuttin' him up inside." Doc’s voice trailed off, unsure of what he was trying to prove. "He’s so ashamed of what happened to you, that he let you down. He does care about you, Danny, he really does."

"He stopped caring, stopped living months ago, Doc." Danny finally straightened up and looked over his shoulder.

"No he didn’t. He tried to- wanted to, but he couldn’t."

"Doc-"

"He was with you during the worst of the withdrawal."

A long, stunned pause and Doc continued to stand, head down and his too long hair falling into his eyes.

"What?"

"Ya heard me. You just don’t remember."

"Christ."

"He came because he wanted to make sure you were all right. He came because he was ashamed."

Danny just stared at him, so Doc pushed forward. But he felt he was somehow breaking a confidence that he didn’t know he even had until this moment.

"He came because he cared about you."

"Oh gawd…"

"He’s broken inside, Danny. He’s all shattered pieces an’ it’s like he’s bleedin' out and he don’t know how to stop it. How to help himself." Doc lowered his gaze from the stunned eyes that were filling with confusion and disbelief.

"You’re just sayin’ this, Doc." Danny came back off the hootch steps. "I don’t remember…"

He trailed off, and the look of disbelief was slowly replaced with surprise, and then horror. The words spoken back then, in a haze of withdrawal and agonizing pain came spilling back. Hurtful, cutting, and bitter words. Words snarled and shouted in fury and with no regard for the wounds they would inflict.

Danny sank down to the step, burying his head in his hands. Doc slipped over to his friend and sat beside him, wrapping an arm around Danny’s shoulders. The silence of the dark camp wrapped back in around them and Danny shook with the effort to not break down and cry in the face of yet another truth.

Something, or rather someone, slipped hesitantly across the back of his thoughts, and Doc found himself glancing up. The shadows were always changing with the progression of the night and it took him several long moments before he found what he was looking for. Doc blinked, unsure, until the shifting changed and the person stepped out to the edge of the camp lights.

Doc met with dark eyes. And looked away.

"Why?" Danny finally whispered. "Why tell me this?" His face was still hidden from the medic.

"Just don’t regret surviving, Danny."

~finis~